Well, as you can tell from the seemingly millenial period that has passed between my last blog entry and this one, my writing disicipline has been undisciplined. As coincidence might have it, so has my exercise and self-care. Yes, it has occured to me that perhaps this is a bit more than a coincidence. Like so many stay-at-home-moms I have fallen into a pattern of excuses for my lack of self-care. Let's see if I can some up with a few that some of you all might recognize: I need to sleep in; It's the summer; I just need to veg out and relax after cooking, cleaning, washing, etc.; once school starts and the kids are back in school it'll be easier (Yeah, RIGHT!!!). Okay, that's enough. I'm annoying myself just putting it in writing. But, while we're on the subject, putting things in writing is something I have also come up with a million excuses not to do. For the sake of balance, here we go: At the end of the day my mommy brain is just too tired to put two words together; without an office, it's too hard to focus; without much time to think, whatever I write will crappy anyway, so why bother?; Whew! That's enough. I think we all get the point.
So I have decided to take my two "growing edges", as it were, and merge them for one colossal experiment in learning discipline. "THEY" (you know, the big "they" in the sky who study everything and report everything so that we can all be definitively assured that what we're doing is "right") say that it takes about a month for something to become a habit. So, like so many other people in their mid-thirties trying to find some order in the joyful madness of parenthood, I am commiting to 1 month of jogging and blogging. I'm going to forget about whether this writing is crap. I'm going to try not to think about how bad I look in my jogging clothes. I'm going to force myself to get out of bed every morning at 6 a.m., before the kids get up. I am going to walk/jog/run rain or shine for 1 hour everyday. In true Amy form, I'm all jazzed up about starting this discipline today, but I *KNOW* the joy of the kick-off will wear off and I'll be pulled steadily back into the vortex of excuses and apathy. So be warned, when I do you all will have to listen to me whine about it while I try to push through and keep going. In the meantime, while I'm on my project-starter's high, I will go with it and spew a little of what occured to me as I jog/walked (okay, more walking than jogging...who are we kidding) today.
First, get the right clothes and shoes!!! Especially when it's sticky and humid. Get what I'm saying, ladies??? Keep moving. It will get boring, especially if you have no running partner. I chose not to listen to music today just to see if my frenetic mind could deal with the silence. But when I let my mind go, there were so many sounds: dogs barking, birds singing, the routine open and shut of car doors and starting engines as people left for work. These are beautiful sounds. They're the sounds of life. They're the sounds of life happening in all of the ways we take for granted until bad stuff happens. They are the sounds of daily rhythms. So, for today, I tried to appreciate them as I panted, got annoyed with my dog who couldn't seem to choose a side of the road to run on, and as I reminded myself to buy the right running clothes:-P Yesterday in church, during the Invitation to Communion, our rector read the same words he read every week, "Come, those who come to this table often, and those who haven't been in a while; those who have little faith, and those who wish to have more..." I had been used to thinking about those words as referring to two different groups of people. But as I listed this time, thinking about my own frustration with disciplines, it hit me: in each of us is always both persons. Some days we have little or no faith. We wonder why life has dealt us a bad hand and why so many others "have it so good." We can't muster up the energy to do the laundry, much less feel inspired to any great pursuit. And on other days we feel like we're on that runner's high. Creative ideas are easily flowing, we actually notice the poetic beauty of the smiles on our kids' faces, we make lists of things "to do" because we are excited about living. In each of us is both persons. One other thing our rector said during his sermon, which was about "the Art of Living" was that "each of us is the most perfect work of art God has created." What if we all thought of ourselves that way, even for a few moments each day? We're each a gift...a cherished creation. When we receive a fabulous gift for our birthday we take care of it. We maintain it. We enjoy it. We smile when we look at it, thinking of the thought and care that went into its choosing or creating. So, as I plug away at this new "jog n' blog" discipline, I'm going to try to think of myself in this way. I have little faith. I have much faith. But I am the best art God has made and I will come to the table regardless of how I feel. Will you be my virtual partner on the journey?
You inspire me. I cannot jog (bad knees and ankles) but I might join you on a month of exercise and writing.
ReplyDeleteI am reminded of a writinge workshop I took with Carrie newcomer a few years back, and she was telling us that the fear that our writing won't be perfect is what keeps us from keeping up the discipline. She said that when we start writing every day, much of what we write will not be perfect or inspired. But that when inspiration strikes, we will be ready with pen in hand to capture it. I know that this was true for me. When I was writing every day, I wrote a lot of crap. But amidst the crap, I had some moments of great inspiration. And the disciplined hand was able to make record of those inspired moments.